Ah, Childhood.
There aren’t many moments lately where I haven’t wished I could enjoy the carefree days of my youth again. Little did I know that the fairy-tale fantasies of my youth- the books, the videos (yeah, VHS…remember that?) and merchandise would only serve to f*** me over in a big way some twenty years later. Those beloved stories: waiting for my one true love while I comfortably nap my life away, of hoping that he’ll be as perfect for me as the fit of a sparkly shoe, and of knowing how we are meant to be together with just one kiss and an Alan Menken duet, have all totally ruined real-life relationships for me. Perhaps I’m a bit late to the party on this, or perhaps there are other young women out there like me who have yet to realize that happily ever after in the classic sense simply does not exist.
Juxtapose those subliminal messages with the ones I took away from my favorite TV show as a young adult: “Sex and the City”. Oh god, how fabulous was that show? And Carrie Bradshaw swept around New York City moving from guy to guy because no one really understood her except the one man she couldn’t have. (Until later on when they needed to make a movie) I used to believe I was like Carrie- that I was too difficult, complicated and special for any of the small-town boys I dated throughout high school and college to comprehend. Then I went to New York City and no man understood me there either, until I met Drewski. And Carrie Bradshaw? Yeah, she sucks too.
Ew, Adulthood.
The messages I took away from these digital experiences was that every moment of my future relationships were supposed to have what I like to call the “Va Zing”. Every.single.moment-BAM!VA ZING! And then when the va- zing declined (as it always did) I thought it was them and not me. Turns out 90% 50% of the time it was me. That old famous saying “If you doubt, then don’t” when applied in context to love and relationships is only applicable some of the time. Changing your perception, especially one that has been held for so long can be especially difficult, whether it comes to love or money.I hope you guys can pardon the break in finance-related content. This topic is extremely relevant to me right now and I thought it might help to hear about relationship anxiety, you know, out loud from a real person and not just from the nagging, anxious fairy-godmother voice inside your head. It’s a problem-it exists!
So where do we go from here? After the walls of the castle have come down and we are finished detoxing from all of the fairy-tale nonsense, I mean. My therapist asked me a very powerful question the other day: “What does happily ever after look like to you?”
My adult self had known this answer all along: happily ever after is writing for a living, a supportive partner, a stable home life with a man who makes himself emotionally available to me, and who accepts and loves me for who I am. I knew this, but still somewhere deep inside there was a young girl inside of me wailing: “Where is my slipper? My element of danger and surprise? Is this it? Because it doesn’t look like anything I dreamed about growing up!”
A few other things don’t look the way I thought they would as a child: working is actual hard work, the reproductive issues that devastated me in 2008, and having a degree that doesn’t serve much purpose for the person I am today. Still, we get up and move on. It’s very easy to act like I have all the answers. L Bee and the Money Tree would probably slap her former child-self in the face and tell her to STFU. When you strip away the words however, Lauren the person is still here and has to find a way to mine through my feelings and deal with the shift in expectations. Lauren the person doesn’t have the answers at all.
The closest I will probably ever get to being a “real princess” 
Grieving the Fairy Tale
We all were devastated when we found out Santa didn’t exist. We cried and we grieved and then we got over it, because we realized we’d still be getting presents every December 25th but a real person would be gifting them instead of a creepy old man with a record of B&E. I need to grieve the loss of the fairy tale the same way I did for Santa, but sometimes it just takes longer to dispel the myth. In the same way though, I still get to have an awesome fairy tale, it just looks different, and that’s okay too. It’s also okay to be sad, being a princess would be awesome but I do get other amazing things in return that Snow White, Cinderella, Ariel and Belle never got to have: real working legs, loving parents, a man who doesn’t have a back hair problem, and friends who aren’t household appliances…just to name a few. 
All jokes aside, there is a lot to be thankful for…but sometimes you have to feel out the sadness before you can fully move on. Life isn’t about sitting and waiting for the fairy tale to come true, because you have to give as good as you get.
I am very interested in hearing from my readers:
What did “happily ever after” look like to you as a child? What does it look like to you now? Were you ever disappointed by the loss of the fantasy?
Hi, my name is Lauren but I'm known to those nearest and dearest as L. Bee. After twenty-five years on the planet I have worked in a lot of industries, moved to many different cities, and made almost every money mistake you can make.Join me on my journey as I navigate my twenties and try not to pick my "money tree" bare.
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Well hopefully you have no young readers because if so you just rocked their world about St. Nick.
Ha! I don’t think I ever had any fairy tale fantasies growing up, so no illusions dashed. But I was never one to play pretend princess or plan my wedding from the time I was 5, so maybe I’m just weird.
Mrs. Pop @ Planting Our Pennies recently posted..What Do You Mean, Average?
I went through a very ardent phase as a child where I played “single mommy” with my baby dolls. That, my friend, is strange.
I love this post. I’ve recently gotten pretty active in dating and I feel like movies, books and songs were lying to me. It’s supposed to be magical, right? When you meet someone, you’re supposed to know instantly that you want to be with him, right? There should be butterflies and fuzzy sensations at the first kiss, right? What if those things aren’t there … but you still enjoy spending time with that person and look forward to seeing him again? Is that supposed to be a letdown? Or is that reality?
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Dating sucks, any way you slice it. My problem was that I always invested too much in guys who weren’t interested, or I blew off the ones I didn’t find interesting and never gave them much of a chance. I don’t think they’d call it “Falling” in love if it was an instantaneous thing.
Noooo! You can’t say happily ever after doesn’t exist… it does!! You are just getting caught in the conventional trap! ONE DAY I will own a dive school on a beautiful island and all my blogger friends can come and dive for free
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I’ll give you that one
Savvy Scot recently posted..5 Top Tips When Selecting a Personal Injury Lawyer
Still…I will come to your dive school anytime
Great post!
I think we grow up thinking of “happily ever after” as a destination, and at some point we all have to realize that you never stop moving or changing. You set your course, yes, but you’ll never have everything “figured out.” There’s always a career to contend with, a house to improve, babies to have…or avoid, vacations to plan, etc. It was so comforting as a kid to think that when I hit adulthood, I’d have my life set up just so, but if I stopped making any changes right now, I’d live a very sad life!
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Well said. I think we grow up thinking if we do things in a certain order it will all turn out ok, but life just doesn’t work that way. Makes it very exciting at times
Oh my gosh this is an awesome post! (Ps, if I haven’t said Hi yet, Hi. I’m a newish reader here.) I’m not sure what I thought my Happily Ever After would look like but I certainly couldn’t have dreamed up what mine has become. I’m married to the military, living in the Midwest, and LOVING life. If you had told me 5 years ago I’d be thrilled to bits to live in Nebraska, I would have punched you in the face. But things change and suddenly you realize your reality IS your happily ever after.
And I totally agree with Kate, it’s not a destination, more of a state of being.
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Hi Christine! Nothing makes me more excited when new readers stick their heads in and join the convo. Thank you SO MUCH for stopping by!!
I grew up thinking I’d be an award winning actress, married to a jake gyllenhaal type with money and prestige. I actually attempted to be an actor and it turns out I hate being on camera and I hate auditioning even more. I’m much happier now-but if you had told me 5 years ago I would never have believed it.
I don’t like the idea that girls especially are treated with this “princess mentality.” This Disney princess sort of thinking that the prince will some day come and rescue them or something. I think that one of the true markers in adulthood is learning that life is not like that and the only person you can save is yourself so shoot for that instead.
Debt and the Girl recently posted..My Best Friend’s Wedding
That is very well said. The only person who has ever fixed my problems is me, (with a little help from parents and friends of course…)
Sometimes, I look around myself and think that I’ve got it. I’ve got the happily ever after. And then my mother-in-law calls me fat.
Just kidding, but not. My mother was always very practical with me to ensure my dreams of fairy tales and princesses don’t get out of hand so my expectations were probably not that of your average girl these days, but I hear you. I love the boy so much, but sometimes I’m envious of those couples – you know, the new ones – that are constantly thinking about each other and fawning over each other and generally being gag-worthy.
The boy & I are past that stage and into the compromise and acceptance stage, which is beautiful too. It’s just a different KIND of fairy tale.
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I was reading this at work and almost choked up my diet coke because your comment about your mother-in-law made me laugh. I know that’s awful.
I put up a lot of walls because I’m afraid of being hurt, because I don’t want to accept that things aren’t perfect. So this is a lot of what’s going through my mind right now, but I am learning to see that things are just a different kind of fairy tale. Thanks Daisy!
Oh, goodness. I still believe in magic. Does that make me an idiot? It certainly makes me single for now, but believing in magic helps navigate lonely waters.
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It’s funny Kathleen is posting just before me because we were just discussing this very topic. There IS happily ever after. You’re looking at it through the wrong lens. Read Richard Bach’s Bridge Across Forever.
If you really read it and don’t just say “Yeah, that sounds cool, I’ll do it” let me know you did. I’d love to talk about it (and I’m sure you might, too. It’s a story by the guy who wrote Johnathan Livingston Seagull (not some new age self-help thing).
It’s funny. I think there is a Santa Claus, too, but that’s for another post!
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I thought I had the happily ever after when I graduated and got a good job in my field… then I decided I wasn’t happy after all and changed it all up. Then I was happy again… for now.
I think the problem with happily ever after is the finality of it. There is no magic moment where you become happy and you stay happy. There’s a flow and ebb to life and most likely it will continue to do so.
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This is a beautiful post.
Adulthood is a lot different than I expected. In a lot of ways it’s better, but it’s also much harder. I never expected to be filled with so much self-doubt. I never thought things wouldn’t work out perfectly all the time. I’m surprised by how complex relationships (romantic and platonic and familial alike!) are. I’m overwhelmed by how much is riding on me: everything I do matters. It’s scary.
But I’m happier than I expected, more self-assured and confident. Way more successful.
Wouldn’t change a thing.
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I seriously just had this conversation with a girl at work today. She was saying that nothing in her life was working out as planned and that she always thought she was going to be with someone who would sweep her off her feet (Kate and Leopold style).
I tried to be positive even though my message was to stop romanticizing what could be and start enjoying what you have. If you keep waiting and wishing for things to change, you are going to miss out on life. Life isn’t in the movies, it’s right here, right now – make the most of it because it’s really short!
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I almost did this with my hubby. We actually stopped dating because I didn’t feel a spark, became friends, and then started dating. I’m so glad he was so persistent. He reminds me all the time in a joking way, I rejected him initially :/
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For me, my dreams didn’t include any of that stuff, it was WAY more selfish than that. But, as I matured, I realized that I’ve got my fairy tale, especially since I married my best friend, and recently duplicated myself. I agree, fairy tales and movieds have poisoned the minds ot too many pre-teens, making them believe that love is some feeling that must always be “on”, and when it’s not, then you move on. I’m glad to have learned that is untrue at a young age, otherwise things would be much different and more empty than they are now.
I’m glad you’ve been able to grieve the loss of the perfect fairy tale and realize that your own life is much cooler.
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Also, please ignore my atrocious spelling mistakes.
I feel stupid sometimes feeling this way in my mid-twenties, but better late than never I guess…right?
I don’t know what I thought my “happily ever after” looked like when I was young…..young men don’t really think of such things. If you asked me when I was a teenager I would have probably given you some testosterone induced answer including the Swedish bikini team and beer. But I do remember standing in the kitchen of the restaurant I worked at in high school thinking “When you get married, and have kids…..wow, life is OVER. ”
Then as a college freshman I started to wonder what the hell was wrong with me because I had seriously never even had a girlfriend. I had lots of friends that were girls (Yeah, I was THAT guy), but nothing ever progressed past that point. At the start of my sophomore year I met my future wife – and I (well, to be honest, both of us) had that “VA ZING” moment. We knew the instant we met…..and I’m completely serious.
We got married 3 1/2 years later, and eventually had two kids. I can’t think of anything I enjoy in life more than being a husband and a father. Every second of my day may not be “VA ZING,” But I can honestly tell you that not a day goes by that I don’t look at my family and have a “VA ZING” moment.
No, it’s not the “Happily ever after” I may have pictured when I was younger.
It’s soooooo much better.
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What a sweet and thoughtful reply, Travis. Sometimes I still think having a baby would mean my life is “over”. One step at a time. Ha!
“Happily ever after” was being a Timelord, zipping around time and space like Doctor Who. (I actually got sent to the school psychiatrist when I was about 9 for writing “Timelord” on one of those “What Do You Want to Be When You Grow Up” evaluations. They wanted to know if I knew the difference between fantasy and reality. Of course I did! …But nowhere on the stupid form did it say I had to be realistic.) Failing a career of time travel, I wanted to be Captain of the Millennium Falcon. As an absolute last resort, in case NASA didn’t want me, Wild West gunslinger would have sufficed.
It’s funny just how your dreams as a kid really do impact you in the long run. Given the above, it would probably explain why I’m single and travel the world a lot. (Mostly by myself.) Yes, I’ve been in love and in a few good relationships, but Han Solo, Doctor Who, and the Lone Ranger really didn’t have much time for that mushy stuff. “Happily Ever After” (with someone else) would be very nice, but still still seems to fall way below my happily adventurous and independent priorities. A woman said to me at a bar last weekend, “Deep down we’re all the same and so are you. We’re all just looking for love.” I had to laugh. (Then she started insinuating that I must be gay because I’m tall, 40, no kids, and never been married.) Give me a horse, spaceship, or time machine, lady and you won’t see me for dirt.
Note: I still *REALLY* want to see the Colossus of Rhodes. (Any tips or blog articles you could write on how to get to 280 BC would be very much appreciated, thanks.)
A couple years ago, I didn’t think my life was going the way I dreamed of. Sometimes I still doubt myself. I have to remind myself I have come a long way and there are still so many goals left to be accomplished as well as experiences to collect. Today I’m content.
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Lauren, this is a fantastic post that I feel is really asking the question “Is it OK to dream despite being grounded in reality?
The non existent fairy tale is a tough pill to swallow. I can remember when I was feeling frustrated with my hubby’s inability to keep up to the fairy tail image I would rent a chick flick to feel better. I know, in retrospect, it was a stupid idea!
I’m with Jacob, find your best friend and marry them. It isn’t all butterflies, and you’ll be sure to disagree from time to time, but there is no better person to share your life with!
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