….When You’re Talking in Your Sleep

I am the queen of gab. Unfortunately for my bed fellows, it doesn’t stop when I hit the hay. Sometimes my nighttime activities reach beyond bizarre. Are you also guilty of talking in your sleep? Well, Read below and maybe you won’t feel so bad.

It all started when..

I’ve had a sleep talking problem since childhood. When we went on vacations and my brother and I had to share a room, my mother said she thought we’d be up late talking. When she came in to tell us to go to sleep, turns out, we were having two separate conversations in our respective dreams that only sounded like talking.  I was ten, and this was the first recorded instance of my sleep talking.

Anyway, one night while I was living alone in NYC, my boyfriend at the time was awakened by my sudden movement: I had gotten up on all fours and was furiously scratching (like a dog, he said) at the corner of the bed, trying to pull the sheet off the mattress.

“What are you doing? Is everything ok?” He asked.

“The burrito!” I exclaimed and kept pulling at the sheet.

“What?!”

“I have to get the burrito that’s UNDER THE BED.”

When he looked underneath the bed to find no such burrito he realized I was sleep talking. He also later broke up with me, because he assumed I was gross for eating burritos in bed and leaving them underneath.

Oh but wait….

I may have mentioned this before, but back when I went vegan in the summer of 2010, I had some very, very strange things happen. Perhaps they’d been happening all along, but I’d lived alone up to that point so no one was there to tell me. In 2010 I moved to Atlanta for the first time, and was living in a house with three other very nice people.

About one month in, one of my male roommates found me asleep on the upstairs couch. Not too out of the norm, you say? Well, my bedroom was downstairs, and he found me on the couch upstairs dressed in ALL my cocktail dresses. I had put them on in the night and fallen asleep with the skirts up over my head like some sort of tent. Apparently, I like to dress up in my dreams too.

My creepy sleep activities at this time also extended to sleep walking and sleep eating. After a night out at the bar my friend Mo had bought some hot wings at a deli. Like the good vegan I was, I had finished my french fries and went to sleep.I promise you I have no recollection of what happened afterward. The next morning, Mo went into my bedroom and saw I wasn’t in the bed. He looked around for me, and couldn’t find me anywhere. Upstairs in the kitchen, he saw the fridge was slightly ajar. After searching the house they found me, fast asleep in a closet with my hand in a bucket of chicken wings and wing sauce on my mouth. I was devastated, because being vegan was very important to me at the time. Suffice to say, I was no longer vegan after that. I mean, if you want meat so badly that you are eating it in your dreams, you probably should just have some in real life, yes?

I blame the new medication I was on at the time, but no one believes me. They thing I just used the sleep walking as an excuse to indulge.

Talking in Your Sleep Definitely Makes for Some Interesting Moments…

The best “talking in your sleep” story EVER, involves my friend Carrie, a fellow sleep-talker. People hate putting us in the same room at sleepovers because we have sleep conversations in the night, just like my little brother and I used to. We were having a sleepover at someone’s house one night in college and Carrie woke up, grabbed our friend’s boob and yelled “WHERE ARE THE CHOPSTICKS?!!”. I did not witness this first-hand, but the story still makes me cry from laughing so hard. We still talk about it.

I got the inspiration for this post from my new friend. He says on Monday I rolled over in the middle of the night and said to him, clear as day:

“Well, now I guess we know what she does with her mouth!”

He was new to my sleep talking, and thought I was trying to finish up one of my stories from earlier.

“Who are you talking about?” He asked.

Then I rolled over and went back to sleep.

PROOF that I am snarky, even in my dreams. And for the record, I have no clue who I was talking/dreaming about. Probably Rihanna.

Do you talk in your sleep? Any fun stories to share? Tell me below!